Parenting isn’t a one‐size‐fits‐all endeavor—and looking back, many of the “rules” we grew up with in the ’90s now seem not only outdated but even counterproductive. Today’s conversations around parenting are much more nuanced, empathetic, and informed by new research into child development and mental health. In this article, we explore 21 parenting trends from the 1990s that many experts now caution against, while also reflecting on what we’ve learned and how we might do things differently.
Harsh Corporal Punishment
If you grew up hearing that a good spanking could “set you straight,” you’re not alone. In the ’90s, physical punishment was commonly recommended—even in books like To Train Up a Child. However, we now understand that hitting a child can lead to feelings of resentment, lower self-esteem, and even more aggression. Rather than teaching, physical punishment often instills fear and breaks down trust between parents and children. Today, many parents find that using calm, consistent, and positive discipline methods works much better in the long run.
Rigid “Spare the Rod” Discipline
Closely related to corporal punishment was the idea that “the rod” was necessary to keep children in line. This approach left little room for understanding or empathy. Instead of considering the child’s emotional needs, discipline was all about compliance. Modern research tells us that when we take the time to explain rules and understand our children’s feelings, they learn to regulate their emotions and make better choices on their own.
The “Because I Said So” Mentality
Many of us remember when our parents would say “Because I said so” without any explanation. This style of parenting assumed that authority meant unquestioning obedience. Today, experts believe, children benefit far more from discussions about why rules exist. When parents share their reasoning, kids feel respected and learn critical thinking skills—plus, it makes family conversations a whole lot more interesting!
Suppressing Emotional Expression
In the ’90s, it wasn’t unusual for a child’s tears to be met with phrases like “stop crying” or “don’t be so sensitive.” The belief was that showing emotion was a sign of weakness. However, research now shows that learning to express emotions in healthy ways is key to emotional intelligence. Modern parents are encouraged to validate their children’s feelings and help them understand that it’s perfectly okay to feel sad, frustrated, or even angry sometimes.
Strict Scheduling and “Babywise” Routines
Remember those parenting books that claimed a rigid routine would transform your baby into a sleeping superstar? Books such as On Becoming Baby Wise promoted strict schedules for feeding and sleeping, with the promise of long, uninterrupted nights. However many experts later raised concerns that these strict routines could leave infants stressed and even contribute to nutritional issues. Instead, today’s advice often leans toward a more flexible, child-led approach that respects each baby’s unique rhythms.
Over-Control and Micromanagement
The ‘90s parenting style often meant parents controlled nearly every aspect of their children’s lives—from meal times to play dates. While structure is important, this level of micromanagement can stifle a child’s ability to make decisions independently. We now know that children thrive when given room to explore, solve problems, and even make small mistakes on their own.
Ignoring a Child’s Autonomy
In many households of the ’90s, children were expected to fit into a pre-set mold without much input from themselves. There was little room for a child to voice opinions or make choices. Today, parents recognize that allowing children to choose their clothes, decide on simple tasks, or even express a preference in their daily routine can boost their self-confidence and foster independence.
Lack of Free Play
Structured activities and scheduled lessons were all the rage in the ’90s—often at the expense of unstructured, free play. Many parents believe that every moment has to be productive. However, decades of research have shown that free play is vital for creativity, stress relief, and social development. Allowing kids time to play, imagine, and explore without a strict agenda can be one of the best gifts you give them.
Punishing Behavior Without Understanding Its Cause
Too often, parents in the ’90s would punish a child’s misbehavior without pausing to consider why it happened. Was the child tired? Overwhelmed? Lacking in communication skills? Modern parenting emphasizes empathy—finding the root of the behavior and addressing it can help children learn more effective ways to express themselves rather than simply being punished.
Blindly Following “Expert” Advice
There was a time when parenting books and TV shows offered one universal solution for raising children. Many parents of the ’90s followed this advice without tailoring it to their child’s unique personality or needs. Today, however, we understand that what works for one child might not work for another. Parenting is highly personal, and while expert advice can be a useful guide, it’s important to adapt it to fit your family’s circumstances.
Reinforcing Gender Stereotypes
Back then, you might have heard that “boys mustn’t cry” or that “girls should always be polite.” Such gendered expectations were commonplace, shaping children into narrowly defined roles. Now, many parents and experts are challenging these stereotypes, advocating for a parenting style that allows all children—regardless of gender—to express their full range of emotions and interests.
Overprotectiveness Coupled with Over-Control
It may seem paradoxical, but many parents in the ’90s were overly controlling and overprotective. They were so focused on ensuring their child’s safety that they often prevented natural exploration and risk-taking, essential for building resilience. In contrast, modern parenting acknowledges that while safety is crucial, children also need opportunities to learn, fail, and eventually succeed on their own.
Using Fear to Motivate Compliance
Fear was a common tool in the ’90s parenting playbook. Children were sometimes warned with exaggerated consequences to make them obey. This tactic might work in the short term, but research has shown that using fear can create lasting anxiety and mistrust. Today’s experts advise that honest, age-appropriate discussions are a more effective way to teach children about safety and boundaries.
Overemphasizing Toughness
A common message in the ‘90s was that children needed to “toughen up” early. Phrases like “get over it” were used to push kids to suppress their emotions. However, forcing children to “be tough” before they’re ready can lead to unresolved feelings and even contribute to anxiety later in life. Modern approaches encourage teaching resilience by helping children understand and work through their emotions, not ignoring them.
Withholding Physical Affection as Punishment
Some parents of the ‘90s believed that if a child misbehaved, they should be denied physical affection—hugs, kisses, or cuddles. This withholding of love was seen as a corrective measure. But today, attachment theory reminds us that consistent physical affection is essential for a child’s emotional security. Even when correcting behavior, children need to know they are loved unconditionally.
Following Outdated Health and Nutrition Advice
Parenting books from the ‘90s sometimes promoted strict feeding schedules and dietary practices that have been debunked. Rigid rules about when and what to feed a baby could sometimes lead to nutritional issues or increased stress for both child and parent. Today’s nutrition experts advocate for responsive feeding—listening to your baby’s hunger cues and allowing for more flexible mealtimes.
Parental Burnout Due to Self-Sacrifice
Many ’90s parenting approaches expected parents, especially mothers, to give their all at every moment—often neglecting their own needs in the process. This “all or nothing” mindset can lead to burnout, stress, and resentment. Modern parenting emphasizes that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential. When parents focus on their well-being, they demonstrate healthy habits for their kids. And are more prepared to tackle the challenges of parenting.
Dismissing a Child’s Voice
Back in the day, children were sometimes seen as too young or too insignificant to express their opinions. Parents made decisions on their behalf without much input. Nowadays, we understand that children have unique perspectives and that involving them in age-appropriate decision-making helps them feel valued and builds critical life skills. Encouraging a dialogue, even with young children, fosters a sense of agency and respect.
Failing to Set Healthy Boundaries
While some ’90s parents were overly strict, others were so permissive that they rarely set boundaries. Without clear limits, children can feel confused about expectations and may struggle with self-discipline. The modern approach balances firm, empathetic boundaries with open communication—helping children understand the reasons behind rules while still feeling supported.
Prioritizing Discipline Over Relationship-Building
It wasn’t uncommon for parents to focus so heavily on correcting behavior that they overlooked the importance of building a strong emotional connection with their children. Research shows a secure, trust-based relationship lays the foundation for healthy behavior and resilience. Today, many parenting experts advocate for discipline as a way to teach, not to punish—always keeping the parent-child bond at the center.
Assuming One Parenting Style Fits All
Perhaps the most pervasive trend of the ‘90s was the belief that there was a single “right” way to raise children. Parenting manuals and expert advice often presented a one-size-fits-all formula, ignoring the fact that every child is different. We now know that a child’s temperament, family dynamics, and cultural context all play a role in shaping what works best. Modern parenting is about flexibility—tailoring your approach to meet the unique needs of your child.
Conclusion
Looking back, it’s easy to see why these trends were widely accepted in the 1990s. Many parents did their best with the advice available at the time. They wanted to raise well-behaved, resilient children, even if that meant adhering to strict routines or using harsh discipline methods. However, as research in child psychology, nutrition, and emotional development has advanced, we’ve come to understand that some of these methods do more harm than good.
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